The mens’ stuff

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful
tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had
been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife
to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched
with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs
at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied:

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."

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BLONDE'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburnt and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice.

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Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' &
'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

  
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition
that they were nearly identical stories!

 His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

  
Titanic:         Cost - $29.99
Clinton:        Cost - $29.99

 Titanic:         Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:        Over 3 hours to read

 Titanic:         The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:        The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,
and subsequent catastrophe.

  
Titanic:         Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:        Bill is a bullshit artist.

 Titanic:         In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:        Ditto for Bill.

 Titanic:         During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:        Ditto for Monica.

 Titanic:         Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:        Let's not go there.

 Titanic:         Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton:        Monica is forced to return her gifts.

 Titanic:         Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:        Clinton doesn't remember Monica.

 Titanic:         Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:        Monica..., let's not go there either.

 Titanic:         Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:        Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

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Quelle est la chose la plus rapide au monde ?

 L'Anglais a dit:
 *Moi, je dirais que c'est la pensée , puisque la pensée est immédiate.

 Le Français a dit:
 *Moi, je dirais que c'est la lumière car il est prouvé que rien ne bat la  vitesse de la lumière .

 Le Belge a dit:
 Moi, je dis que c'est la diarrhée , parce que quand tu as la diarrhée ,  t'as même pas le temps de penser ni de mettre la lumière que t'es déjà  dans la merde.

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